thoughts in my head
Wednesday, June 13, 2012 at 01:53PM There's a big group of us all here in Kathmandu. 5 kiddos, nurse Emily, Tope and Libby included. We had four doctor's appointments today in four different hospitals with some of our kids who needed some serious medical attention. Waiting for doctor's, MRI's, blood tests... the whole thing. Anjali is here applying for her passport, I've got a shopping and To Do List that could stretch across all of China and today is my sister Libby's last day in Nepal. It's all a little overwhelming. I feel sad and Nepal is being extra hard on me right now. This field of work is hard, just flat out hard sometimes. I can sugar coat it all I want because my kids are so amazing and adorable, and our school's doing great and we're learning and growing and learning and growing. The birthday parties, and soccer games, all my children sleeping up tangled together on the roof under the stars, and their incredible progress in school. Their smiles. Their full bellies. It's a tough season and Emily's working her butt off trying to keep the kids as healthy as she possibly can, handling their infections, and making hospital visits on a daily basis, preventing things from turning serious and life threatening. Namraj still insists on being held in my presence and I give in because I just love the way he wraps his arms and legs around me so tight like little a monkey. He is a toddler talking machine who turned 2 and a half this week and melts my heart on daily basis. I have blessings to count for sure. Overall, these things outweigh the bad and make the days full and worth it.
But the suffering gets to me some days too. I mean really gets to me on a physical, emotional and psychological level and I'd be lying if I didn't write this right now. I'd be lying if I didn't tell you I wouldn't mind trading places with someone else right now. I'm scared about the fact that there's no water ANYWHERE. Here in our hotel in Kathmandu it's being delivered in a tank truck, but what about everyone else? The hospitals, the schools. I'm worried about all those women up in Kalikot and the kids I saw whose mom just died giving childbirth and the ones whose dad died and were living in a cave. I could have easily brought down a good 20 kids with me and it took everything in me not too. But now I can't get their faces out of my head. The kids begging on the streets. The pollution. This extreme poverty. The political turmoil. Sometimes I feel immune to it all and other times I'm just scared. Days like today I'm flat out tired and overwhelmed and I don't know what to write because I'm really just feeling sorry for myself for how hard all of this is and how I just had no idea what I was signing up for.
I'm going to miss my sister a lot. This experience of intimately working together and loving and raising these children together for the past 2 years has changed us forever. It's hard for me to picture my life without her right now. I just know how much I've taken having her here for granted. I know my kids may never get a better English teacher. She taught them how to speak and write and express themselves in ways I could have only dreamed about. Honestly, Nepal has tested our relationship leaps and bounds, in ways that I never thought possible. But I'm so grateful. So grateful that the word grateful doesn't seem like enough for what she's done for me and this project.
Tomorrow is another day. And everything will be okay. I have faith that somehow my kids will be healthy and strong again and that I have many good days to come with my sister both here and back home and I know, really, I wouldn't change places with anyone, although facebook stalking makes it tempting at times. I just need some sleep and a few more hours in the day.
Reader Comments (17)
Maggie, I know it's heartbreaking and overwhelming to live among such poverty everyday. You are doing such a wonderful job to make life better for everyone at Kopila and to plant seeds for a better future!! My heart still breaks when you talk about Juntara. She's watching over you and her spirit is carried on in your work everyday.
I am praying for you and the kids Maggie! I hope things get better and you get extra strength to face all the crazy things you have to face in a daily basis.
sending you big long hugs from one mommy to another! hang in there!
You can make it Mags! You are doing absolutely amazing things and are definitely entitled to have a “holy f*** this is hard” moment!
Keep up the great work and thank you for sharing your story with us. I still read your blog religiously and love how inspirational your entire journey has been.
Love you mags!
-Elizabeth R
More hugs and love from the Bleemers in Pennsylvania!
We imagine sometimes the challenges that you face and admire your strength and perseverance and love in your heart. And most of all, the way you model humanity. Today Maggie, you are a little more like most of us, a little more human rather than the super human usual of most of your days.
So we send you lots of love and virtual hugs and a reminder of the many of us that know you and believe in you and pray for you and admire your courage and the depth of your love and commitment and your resilience! xox
It must be devastating to lose so many of your seasoned staff and now your beloved sister at such a critical and dangerous time for Nepal. The needs there are endless and your power to meet those needs are limited. Nevertheless, you have created an organization that is literally saving lives and helping scores of children discover their personal and moral potential. Your emormous efforts for good come with an enormous toll of personal sacrifice. Wishing you all the best and hoping that many capable hands come to support your life's work.
Oh you blessed, wonderful, miracle-working young woman, what you are accomplishing is phenomenal AND you are inspiring so many others to get involved and make a difference. I can't imagine the tragedies you have to confront, and it would be presumptous for me to give advice. I am holding you and your children in my heart with prayers for strength and peace.
Hi Maggie, I was very sorry to read about Nepal's failing government. I think the really tough aspect of working internationally in such impoverished countries is that you can't do everything and lift the whole country out of poverty. I am amazed by how strong you are in even trying to help a couple hundred kids and their families. It takes a lot of courage and resilience, both from the mind and from the heart. Stay strong and positive.
Pop always said "there just aren't enough hours in the day" . Hope you got some sleep. Love you!
Maggie: working with ill children I know that not positive thinking in my head means only one thing: time to sleep.
It's an hard period Maggie, more hard than usually, in Nepal but you are doing the best, be proud of yourself!
Libby is really a big sister and a big teacher, this is clear looking at her work. She created a road, now others can walk.
Namaskar Libby and good luck for all your projects. I hope you will continue your creative and original blog!
Come to Portland.
I hope you've slept enough and gotten some unconscious processing done. Today is another day and I know you're going to stay positive.
Often great changes penetrate society so deeply that although politics may be involved (and often takes credit for them), culture is actually the key driving force. Culture is what you are helping to change -- and you're doing a wonderful job at it too. I can try to describe just how wonderfully you're doing, but anything would be of a disservice, so just take my word for it.
As with all investments, penetrating changes toward what is right start slow and steady, but once they gain way, their acceleration skyrockets until complete resolution is made. When it's a day that you don't feel immune to it, remember what Martin Luther King said in the last speech of his life: "I just want to do God's will. And He's allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I've looked over. And I've seen the Promised Land. I may not get there with you, but I want you to know tonight, that we -- as a people -- will get to the Promised Land!"
These changes WILL be made. You do your part and the universe its.
As always, you have all my good thoughts.
I commend your honesty. I think that all parents can relate to a small degree to what you are experiencing. You can't do it all. You can't make it right. You just have to do the best you can where you can, and this you certainly do. I think regarding your sister, circumstances have to change because nothing lasts forever, but the love doesn't have to change. I am thinking about this because my oldest child is going to college in the fall.
I already read your next FB post and I know you are feeling better which is good to hear. Best wishes from New England!
Maggie -- I don't envy you your life; I know that I could not have done this, not now at 59, and not at your age, either. Why did the Universe put you on this journey? Why you and not somebody else? I personally thank you for sharing your heart so honestly and not sugar-coating it for us who have it so good.
I think at the end of your life, you will look at what you did and KNOW that you changed the world for good, not just a little bit, not in the abstract, but by looking at how these kids you were able to touch and love turned out. What will Namraj be? And the girls! The world will be changed for the good just by your being in their lives and giving them their opportunities. I read your blog every morning here in Seattle and I pray for you and your kids and staff. And now I will pray for all people of Nepal. Much love to Maggie. Christine of Seattle
You are inspiring, in your strength AND your moments of perceived weakness. What you and your team have accomplished already in that place is astounding, and more than most can hope for over several lifetimes.
Even if you stopped right now - just boarded a plane and flew back to New Jersey and got a job serving coffee at a cafe for the rest of your life - you have STILL made an undeniable, phenomenal difference in the lives of hundreds of children. And each of your children's children, and each of THEIR children! The far-reaching effect of the education and healthcare you are providing for so many is more than you will ever see fruits of in your lifetime.
1. Rest.
2. Keep calm and carry on.
You are amazing.
Maggie,
I cried with you when I read this entry. I was in Cambodia last year and my heart ached for all the people who struggled so much just to get through the day there. The same part of you that reaches out to help and create in the world, is the same part of you that aches at the suffering of others. It's because of your beauty and compassion that you experience that ache to help even more than you can. Find a moment to rest, to cry, to take a walk, or eat something-- take good care of yourself. It's important to so many people. YOU are important to so many people. Maybe I should come there and help build another school right down the road from yours and each time you come upon more students than you can take, you can bring them down the road and we'll make it happen! (ps. you can also hide out at my school on these aforementioned breaks! ha!). Sending you SO MUCH LOVE! You inspire me all the time! Fo' reals. :)
Saving the world is done one child at a time